The Soup Dalek


EXT. DAY. SKARO.

A rocky plain. The TARDIS materialises.

ELAINE (O.O.V.)
Why do we have to come all the way to Skaro for soup?

JERRY emerges from the TARDIS, followed by ELAINE.

JERRY
He's the best soup chef in the galaxy, Elaine. Do you know how big the galaxy is? Do you know how many soup chefs this guy is better than?

KRAMER scoots out of the TARDIS and stumbles on a rock.

KRAMER
It's somewhere in the millions.

ELAINE
(UNIMPRESSED) Nyah.

GEORGE rushes out, spoon in hand, and bumps into KRAMER.

GEORGE
C'mon! George is gettin' hungry!

CUT TO:
INT. DAY. SOUP CAFE.

Various robots are lined up in front of the counter - daleks, cybermen, Quarks etc. NEWMAN is also in the queue. The SOUP DALEK serves behind the counter - a normal dalek with a chef's hat and a moustache.

GEORGE, KRAMER, JERRY and ELAINE enter. GEORGE goes straight up to NEWMAN and taps him on the shoulder.

GEORGE
Hey, Newman, you gotta let me cut in line, I'm starving.

NEWMAN
(FRANTIC WHISPER) No!! Get back, get back, he'll see you!

GEORGE
C'mon, Newman, I haven't eaten since that crummy Tharil diner!

KRAMER
(TO CYBERMAN) That E-Space food is all cobwebby.

NEWMAN
(FRANTIC WHISPER) Get back! He's very touchy - an artiste! He'll...

The SOUP DALEK's eyestalk swivels round to NEWMAN.

SOUP DALEK
WHAT. IS. THIS. DISTURBANCE?

GEORGE ducks back to his place in the line.

NEWMAN
No .. no disturbance .. we only come to your planet to buy your delicious soup .. (LICKS LIPS) I've heard it's the finest in all the galaxy .. richer than Nestene broth .. tastier than the cold, icy space soups of ..

SOUP DALEK
SILENCE! YOUR. FLATT-ER-Y. IS. UN-WELCOME. NO! SOUP! FOR! YOU!

The SOUP DALEK exterminates NEWMAN.

NEWMAN
Arghh!!! Oh, the humanity!!!

NEWMAN expires in a smoking heap. JERRY, GEORGE, KRAMER and ELAINE exchange "Well, would you look at that?" glances.

CUT TO:
EXT. DAY. OUTSIDE THE SOUP DALEK'S SHOP.

JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE and KRAMER are standing with their lidded cups of soup and bread. They are savouring the aroma. KRAMER raises his cup in a toast.

KRAMER
Well - down the hatch!

They all take gulps of their soup. They all immediately spit it out - it's pitch black.

KRAMER
(COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING) This soup tastes like gasoline!

ELAINE fishes something out of her soup.

ELAINE
This looks like some kind of cog.

GEORGE peers into his soup, swilling it around.

GEORGE
Are these nuts and bolts?

JERRY
He's the best soup chef in the galaxy all right! The best soup chef for robots!

GEORGE
Are daleks robots?

ELAINE
What, you think there's a little guy inside?

GEORGE
Well, yeah. I figured there's a dalek parade, they're all lined up smart in a row .. and inside, there's a little guy goofing off and watching TV!

ELAINE
Yeah, right.

GEORGE
Elaine, their morale is the highest of any army in the galaxy! Why do you think that is?

KRAMER
You know, Bob Sacramento got himself an old dalek from that junk shop in the Village.

JERRY
Oh yeah?

KRAMER
Yeah, and he cut that dalek - (MIMES USING A CAN OPENER) - right open. Do you know what was inside?

ELAINE
What was inside?

KRAMER
Another dalek - slightly smaller than the first.

ELAINE, JERRY and GEORGE are surprised.

KRAMER
And inside that dalek - another one!

ELAINE
Wow!

JERRY
Never mind that. What I want to know is - who's luring all these hungry robots from across the galaxy with tales of fantastic mechanical soup?

DAVROS trundles up, drinking soup through a straw from a cup on his dashboard.

DAVROS
Hello, Jerry.

JERRY
(SHAKING FIST) Davros!